What to tell your child if they find your vibrator

5

June 18, 2013 by talkaboutyork

Let’s say, hypothetically speaking, that you were about to settle down to read your children their nightly chapter of Harry Potter when your nine year old child, on the hunt for a watch, rummages in your sock drawer, and let’s say (hypothetically speaking of course) that he pulls out a bright pink rampant rabbit and asks, ‘What’s this?’

What is the appropriate thing to reply in that situation?

As I am sure this is a position that some of my readers may have found themselves in, I will give you a suggested talk track (not that it’s happened to me you understand).

‘Ah, that. Well that’s just something for girls. You know. Nothing important. Now how about that story eh?’

‘But what does it do?’ the 9 year old child might ask, examining it closely.

‘Yes, what is it for?’ a younger 7 year old child might follow up intrigued.

‘Nothing, really. Now, let’s read.’ But at this point you may find it hard to keep a straight face and they’ll probably be onto you.

‘What. Is. It?’ they may ask in unison.

‘Well if you have to know, it’s what ladies use to strengthen their pelvic floor muscles after they’ve had babies.’ (Make up stuff and baffle them with big words and biological details about girl stuff and it may dull the interest). Although it may not.

‘What are pelvic floor muscles? And how would that work?’ (You may at this point like to tell them that their father didn’t know what pelvic floor muscles were either and thought that they were actually tummy exercises you did while lying on the floor. Although that may not be relevant).

‘Well the lady would, um, squeeze it and that would tighten up the muscles in her girly bits.’

‘What?! Do you still do that? At your age?’ the younger, more diplomatically incorrect of the two may ask.

The nine year old may at this point want to try it out by squeezing it hard in his hand. ‘I don’t get it.’ A look of bemusement may flicker across his face. ‘How does squeezing it tighten up muscles in girly bits?’ And as he squeezes it again, he may accidentally push the on button which then makes it light up with glowing pink lights and start to vibrate.

‘Um, mommy,’ he may say, pausing to look from it to you quizzically. ‘You are so using this wrong. It’s not a muscle tightener. It’s for massage. Feel. It vibrates. You have to use it for massage,’ he may say thrusting it into your hand.

‘Yeah, a massager for your balls,’ the 7 year old might retort amid gales of laughter. At which point you might find it particularly difficult not to laugh yourself. A lot.

‘But why does it have lights on it?’ the younger will ask.

‘Duh, that’s for a heat massage,’ big brother might reply, pushing the power button again so that the massage function kicks it up a notch.

At this point you might be laughing so hard that you do actually wish that you had invested in a pelvic floor toner.

It’s only when your son reaches into the sock drawer again and extracts the accompanying lubricating gel and asks whether that’s the massage cream and whether you can give him a massage, that you might have to ask them to put it away or else there won’t be stories, even though you may then find it quite difficult to read the story without giggling every few lines.

Not that any of this has ever happened to me of course. But I just thought it may be useful for someone else. A public service announcement of sorts.